A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
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Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
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OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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