shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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