I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
