I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
