My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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