Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
