One girl and one boy is just not enough.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
nutella sex= disaster
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
