This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
