I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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