I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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