Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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