my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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