Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
