Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
