all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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