I wish I only lived at night.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
