i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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