remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
