wanna go halves on a baby?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
