Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
