Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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