Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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