I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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