shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
