Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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