I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
