The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
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Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize