I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
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I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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