I love black thongs
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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