I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
