Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I think I died a long time ago.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
