I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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