Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
this is an emotional support booty call
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
