He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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