Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
