I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
