remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
