Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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