You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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