Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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