I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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