So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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