If i come over, it means nothing
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize