i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
