Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
