Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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