If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i will never coherently bang her
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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