Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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