Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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