how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
This is my gift to your gina
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
