I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
