my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.