he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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