it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
