I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
