Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This is classic penis vs brain.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
