the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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