There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
