I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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