on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
