I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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